The Livid Dance of Brett James

stupid fun

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Tue 13
Jul 2010

…but I play one on TV

In honor of the spy exchange in Vienna over the weekend, I was re-watching The 3rd Man. Somewhere in the middle, I realized that the man playing the lowly assistant to the detective was Bernard Lee, who went on to play M, the head of the British secret service (James Bond’s boss). My first thought was, “He’s done well for himself,” by which I meant his promotion.

The truth is, they’re both bit parts (in fact, his role in The 3rd Man is somewhat larger than his Bond appearances), but for some
Martin Sheen’s rise from Vietnam-era
captain to President of the United States: the
stuff that(John Kerry’s) dreams are made of.reason I associate his rise in fictional rank with some sort of real-world success. Take for example our forty-third President Martin Sheen. Or four-time General (and occasional private eye) Stacy Keach. These are powerful men. Especially compared to slackers like Marlon Brando, who never rose past Colonel. Or Humphrey Bogart, a Captain at best. And what about that Johnny Depp? He has yet to amount to anything…

Fri 28
May 2010

How to write a bestseller.

Back when I was in college, one of the ways we would study the great writers of all time was to write snippets that mimicked their style. As I hope one day to become a bestselling novelist, I decided to undertake this exercise using Stieg Larsson, author of the world-wide blockbuster, The Girl With the Dragon Tattoo, as my subject.

Here goes:

Bloomstardvisdt sat down at his Viki® desk, which he had customized himself at the local Ikea showroom, choosing the stylish Artur legs and the plain-wood Byske table top, and then taking advantage of their inexpensive home delivery. It was a stylish combination that had held up surprisingly well for the cost, which had been a mere 1100 Kronor ($139.99). He turned on the orange Lasso desk lamp, which he had ordered from Crate and Barrel (www.crateandbarrel.com) and recieved free shipping, as he would on any purchase totalling more than 300 Kronor ($40.00).

Of course, he didn’t need the lamp to use his top of the line, seventeen inch MacBook Pro®. This laptop, considered the finest in the world (and the envy of PC users everywhere), had a keyboard equipped with backlighting, allowing him to see the letters even if it was pitch dark. Why had no-one thought of that before? It had been love at first sight, a G4/I.0 GHz in an aluminium case with a PowerP.C. 7451 processor with an AltiVec Velocity Engine, 960 megs of R.A.M. and a sixty-gig hard drive. It had BlueTooth and built-in C.D. and D.V.D. burners. All that and a 1440×900 pixel screen which outranked everything else on the market. It cost 38,000 Kronor ($4840.00) plus tax.

The fact that he had been forced to perform oral sex to a man he abhorred in order to get the money for this computer did not bother him; it was a minimal sacrifice for such a perfect machine.

What do you think?

Sadly, if this were college, I would have failed the assignment. The problem is too much plagiarism—I copied most of the above, word-for-word, right out of the book.

Tue 25
May 2010